For the last 13 years, I’ve been forced to endure the dreaded “why are you single?” question. Shockingly, it’s comes from guys like 97.6% of the time.

Guys who have had ample access to my crotch, might I add.

My answer was and still is, “How am I supposed to know? If I was a guy, I would’ve shot my club up eons ago.” I mean for Christf’ngsake, look at me!

Think the cat tryna get on…and that’s just a random Monday at the taco spot!

After a while, the questioning got annoying, so I decided to throw it back in their faces and ask why they thought I wasn’t a hot commodity with the brothas. Please enjoy the ridiculous reasons. I’ve literally gotten a six-pack from laughing at these.

Too Much Like the Homie

This has been the No. 1 response time and time again. Like, whaaaaat do you waaaaaant from me? To not rap Beanie Sigel’s verse when “What We Do” comes on at a party? To not tell raunchy, inappropriate jokes? To sugarcoat what I have to say? To not let you know your joke was corny af and counter it with one of my fye jokes instead of doing that girly giggle with my hand resting daintily on my chest? You are out of your black a$$ mind sir. Nope. Newp. Nope.

I Am Intimidating

Chilllllle… Girls love to be faux encouraging and be like, “They just know you’re a boss b-tch and they know they can’t handle.” I ain’t got nothing going for me but full edges and my own apartment, so what is you sayin guhl?

I Don’t Act Like I Care if Guys Holla at Me

Wait…so you’re telling me that I’m supposed to look pressed?? You’re saying that I should post up at social gatherings pursing my lips and batting my eyelashes all night? Chile, I got a p* to pop on the dancefloor. I ain’t got the kinda time bb.

I Wear Glasses

MULTIPLE guys have told me that contacts are my golden ticket to BlackManParadise. My Obamacare ain’t come through yet though, so who trickin’ off on this eye exam and 12-month box of contacts?

I Don’t Dress Femme Enough

Sorz, wearing men’s clothes make me feel ::insert tongue emoji here::

I Dress Too Much Like a Hoe

So you’re saying this is actually a bathing suit and not a short set? Whoops!

I Look Like I Have a Boyfriend

Wait…whut?

WHAT. DO. DIS. MEAN. DOH?! Moreover, women telling doodes we have a boyfriend to shoo them away has never worked. So again I ask… WHAT. DO. DIS. MEAN. DOH?!

Welp, there you have it folks! Ladies, what’s some of the funniest reasons you heard why your phone is as dry as the Sahara?

Steph Watts lives in Brooklyn and chronicles her hilarious struggles trying to find black hippie love in this still-evolving saga. She also obviously, loves Rihanna. Read Episode 1 here.