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"Dates of Our Lives: In the Key of Rihanna" Episode 5

A realistic glossary of all the dating apps I used to get me through #WhiteManSummer16.

The social experiment known as #WhiteManSummer16 was a 10 month–long journey in my attempt to find black love. (Black like works too.) After nine years in NYC without much more than a look from a brotha, I had almost a year to really put myself out there.

For some reason, brothas won't interact with me IRL, but I'm quite the hot commodity on the internet. Since I could only engage black men over this time period, it meant spending countless hours on dating apps. I know those jawns like the back of my hand at this point, so if you're an app virgin or not having luck with the ones you're on, let me help you out.

Tinder

The most popular of the bunch, Tindz is the quick and easy, down and dirty app. Wanna hang out with someone that night? All it takes are a swipe right and a quick prayer.

Who On There?:

Literally...EVERYONE! I've seen college classmates, icnoic musicians, married men, and everything in between. No matter who you fetishize, they are there and ripe for the taking.

Hottie Levels:

Ehhh. I mean...my vag only tingles for guys with demonic tattoos and holes in their face, but there are cute normal guys to be found if you're up to a lot of swiping. Hottie levels also differ by city. If jiggy Asians are your twist, L.A. is where you can find your blessing. Black guys who overdress and wear wool hats year round? Swipe in Atlanta.

Type of Rela:

Casual is key. Tinder is for hookups and friendlationships. I'm sure some people have started real relationships, but if you're trying to two-step down the aisle, dis ain't what the f* you want.

OkCupid

Back in 2010, my girlfriends and I had phones drier than J. Cole's discography and sought to do something about it. OkCupid was our first foray into online dating, and after rejoining five years later, it's weirder than ever.

Who On There?:

The socially awkward, kinda geeky, and super creepy rule the land. Hood dudes looking for love also take up a good chunk of the population.

Hottie Levels:

Low. It's some diamonds in the rough, but the rough is ROUGH.

Type of Rela:

I know a few people who got married thanks to OKC, so it's not a total dump. I will say though, that unlike Tinder, the guys on OKC are generally interested in dating and are very sweet and nice.

Coffee Meets Bagel

CMB is for all of the women sick of creepwave-esque messages that OkCupid lets land in your inbox all willy nilly. Once you match with a guy, it's up to you as a woman to shoot your shot.

Who On There?:

(seemingly) Upstanding guys with good jobs. Very lawyer-doctor-grown-up job types.

Hottie Levels:

If guys in slacks rev your engine, then it's the hotspot. #NoFoxBoogie

Type of Rela:

Guys with a clear future careerwise are usually out here for a woman they can be serious with. A good girlfriend of mine is now married and a mom thanks to CMB. If you're ready for mature dating situations, this is def where you need to be.

Bumble

Bumble is a lesser-known dating app that has its pros and cons. It's better curated because the riff raff don't know about the app.

Who On There?:

Legit every guy I've seen on there has a creative job. There is one creative agency ALONE that had about 10 employees on Bumble. #Honestly #Truly

Hottie Levels:

Through.thee.roof. If you like creative, non-annoying hipster types who wear cool eyewear and read books, put your anchor down on Bumble. Buttttt, the guys know they're hot and they have actual lives, so matching is a bit tough and the 24-hour app-mandatory first-contact window makes it hard to talk to your new crush.

Type of Rela:

One guy on Bumble volunteered to be my on-call head doctor in his very first message to me, which was super off-putting, but I think he's just one bad apple. Bumble is chockfull of the type of guys you see walking around Brooklyn holding their girlfriend's hands. Once you lock in a match and convo, cuffin' season will be yours!

Steph Watts lives in Brooklyn and chronicles her hilarious struggles trying to find black hippie love in this still-evolving saga. She also, obviously, loves Rihanna, Queen Heartbreaker. Read Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, and Episode 4.

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