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"Dates of Our Lives: In the Key of Rihanna" Episode 6

This is an intervention, guys: We need to discuss your dating profiles.

Last week we discussed the different dating apps and which suits your personality and #RelationshipGoals. Today though, I need to speak directly to the guys about something that has been weighing heavy on my heart.

YALL HAVE SH-TTY DATING APP PROFILES.

Yes....YOU.
Yes....YOU.

Actually, what’s the superlative of sh-tty? That’s what your dating profiles are. I’m not here to judge you, but to provide teachable moments with a smile. Here we go!

Curate Your Photos

The goal of a dating profile is to show the best of yourself. Why in the world are you posting pics with a scowl on your face? You look like a serial killer and serial killers don’t get laid.

Take Normal Photos

Guys love fashion now, but the fact of the matter is, ya’ll look nuts. Put the velvet loafers away. Retire the wool wide-brim hats in the dead of summer. And whatever you do, stop with these annoying faux GQ poses. Women hate them. We don’t want guys to outstyle us. WE are the stars, not ya’ll.

Wear basics. It sends all of our attention to your beautiful face instead of your silly little outfits.

Also — if you must post selfies, please do it from a dead-on angle. The blowjob POV selfies are creepy.

Profile Photo Quality Is Key

Simple as this, if you’re going to only have grainy Metro PCS selfies on your profile, no one is gonna swipe right on you. You are legit wasting your own time. Just delete that account boo. It’s for the best.

No More Group Photos

I dunno if ya’ll are trying to ease women into your less-than-hotness by posting group photos, but let me tell you how real guhls feel about it. We are going to see that you have hot friends and swipe right on you just so we can meet them. You will be immediately left in the dust and only have yourself to blame!

For Chrissakes, Fill in the Profile

Sooooooo…you just gonna post crappy pics and not even a little one-sentence quip to get the ladies excited? Look, from a woman’s perspective, if you’re too lazy to fill in a stupid profile, we have to assume that you’ll be lazy in dating and banging us.

Two things we do not want.

Seem Interesting Even If You Aren't

I get it, thanks to technology, millennials are pretty boring with little personality. That doesn’t mean that you can’t fake like you’re cool and interesting in your little bio.

Tell a joke! Say something cheesy for the sake of irony! Name drop a book or musician you hear people talk about a lot!

Up Your Dating App Etiquette

#1. Do not swipe right if you don’t have any intention on taking the girl out and hangin’.

#2. If you’re the last to swipe right, message first.

#3. If the girl is the last to swipe and she messages you, respond.

Get the Ball Rolling

You know what’s annoying? A guy messaging you on a dating app for an eternity as if he can’t simply ask for your number so ya’ll can move to texting and eventually meeting up IRL. After a day of back and forth, initiate some offline interaction or just unmatch the girl. We are anti-#WasteHerTime2016!

If you’re feeling like you still need some help, I do offer one-on-one dating profile consultations. I had my first client a few weeks ago and he’s flourishing beautifully. I accept all forms of payment — food, booze, and bundles.

Shoot me an email at steph@seriouslydudegetyourlifetogether.com!

Steph Watts lives in Brooklyn and chronicles her hilarious struggles trying to find black hippie love in this still-evolving saga. She also, obviously, loves Rihanna, Queen Heartbreaker. Catch up on Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, and Episode 5.

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